Friday, 20 December 2013

Evidence that pigs are not the good cooks they think they are - a poem for Christmas

I've updated this Christmas version of 'The Three Little Pigs' which I wrote years ago.


A family of pigs, brothers three,
were leaping around, Christmas Eve.
The wolf had been caught (or so they had thought).
From his huff and his puff, they were free.

Relieved at the end of their scare
they danced round the fire, unaware
that in that hotpot was a wolf who was not
fully cooked, but just medium rare.

As they went off to bed, closed the door,
from the pot there protruded a paw....
Though more warm than he’d like, he’d not give up the fight.
A poor sign for the porcine, for sure.

He’d wait until midnight, then soon,
he planned by the light of the moon
to exit that pot, give those piggies a shock
and be gorging on trotters by noon.

But all of a sudden, his light
sas blocked out by a terrible sight.
A HUGE man with a beard down the chimney appeared.
Wolfie peed in the gravy with fright.

 ‘Ho ho ho,’ said the man, with such cheer
that the wolf yelped (a coward, I fear)
‘I thought you got cooked at the end of the book.’
‘Not quite.’  Wolfie brushed off a tear.

The piggies awoke with a start,
terror clutching at each little heart.
They crept to the room and peered through the gloom
(and here is the heartwarming part).

Not believing their own piggy eyes
they stared at the scene in surprise.
The wolf, there with Santa, engaging in banter
and eating their home-made mince pies.

‘Oh, there you all are!’ Santa said.
‘I’m afraid it’s bad news.  He’s not dead.
But now we’re all here, it’s the season of cheer
so why don’t we make friends instead?’

They shook trotters and paws, and drank wine.
Prematurely they sang Auld Lang Syne.
And the wolf, somewhat shaken, said he’d been mistaken
and would chase little lambsies next time.



There was always going to be a problem with a recipe in which the ingredient was
 six times as big as the cooking pot

31 comments:

  1. I LOVE your fairy tales--Happy Christmas!!

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    1. Thanks, fishducky - and thanks for your faithful commenting during 2013. Happy Christmas, and I wish you a 2014 with lots of laughs. x

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  2. Brilliant :o)
    Have a lovely Christmas.

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    1. Thanks, Karen. Happy Christmas to you, too. Enjoy your celebrations.

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  3. I've missed your reconstructed Fairy tales. This is a particularly good one. Take care.

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    1. Thanks, Stephen. Interestingly, I've been working with my sixth formers (17 year olds) at school on reconstructing fairy tales for their English Language assignments. I've loved teaching it and I think they've enjoyed having a go.

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  4. Loved the tale but, peeing in the gravy, isn't that a little too Heston Blumenthal?

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    1. I don't know, but now you've warned me, I'll remember not to eat in his restaurants.

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  5. A fine seasonal treat! (My favourite line was the peeing in the gravy one, too)

    Happy Christmas to you and yours! xx

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    1. Thanks, BB. Have a great Christmas yourself, and I hope your free offer of your short story collection goes well today.

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  6. Santa and the Wolf sharing mince pies. There's an image I won't forget.
    Great poem.
    Merry Christmas

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    1. Thanks, River. I guess we know we'll have world peace when Santa and the Wolf share mince pies. Merry Christmas to you too.

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it, Frances. Merry Christmas from one Frances to another!

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  8. Bu there's still piss in the gravy, right? I like the residual dark element to the tale that the urine represents. And by morning the jus will be nicely reduced and filling the piggies house with an intriguing aroma. And probably Father Christmas too... which now explains why most Father Christmases I see smell of wee.

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    1. The logical progression of your thoughts here is impressive.

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  9. Very season-of-good-willish. Excellent. I do hope that they sang "Auld Lang SSSSSyne" and not "Zyne" as (pardon my saying) English people are prone to do.

    Slightly worried about the lambies now... .

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    1. This English person has pronounced it 'Zyne' for 51 years. Oops ...

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    2. Well, stop it now! (Please.) It's like since, which unless you're from the West Country you probably don't pronounce zince. (Even if you are, you quite possibly don't. Pardon my Scottish ignorance of the details of English accents.)

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  10. A case of "Hey widdle , widdle " , perhaps .

    Thankyou for all the great posts this year . I look forward to each one and wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and prosperous New Year !

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    1. You are very welcome. Thanks so much for all your comments and visits. Merry Christmas to you too. x

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  11. Ha ha ha ha! That is brilliant Ms F!

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  12. Always a pleasure. Merry Christmas to you.

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  13. Half boiled Wolf & Wolf pee sounds like interesting stock ... must try when making the gravy on Christmas day.

    I'm off to catch me a Wolf. I may be a while.

    Merry Christmas x

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    1. I won't come round for Christmas dinner if that's okay with you ....

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  14. Ah, yes. Let's all be friendsies.

    Love,
    Janie

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  15. Thank you, I enjoyed that!
    Merry Christmas!

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  16. Happy Christmas to you and yours, Funny Fran.

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  17. Thanks for all the laughs this year, Fran. Looking forward to more in 2014.

    Anna May x

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  18. Thanks for all the laughs this year, Fran. Looking forward to lots more in 2014.

    Anna May x

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